Happy 4th of July!

hope everyone had a more thrilling day than me lol

I went to dinner at Applebee’s last night and it was really interesting how they have implemented some new technology. There is a new device that you can press a button and it alerts your waiter by buzzing a thing on his wrist. So if you need him….just press the button.

Great idea, but it’s alway kind of awkward to have this little device sitting at your table. I couldn’t help but wonder if the waiter was listening in.

We mentioned “Big Brother” to the waiter, and he said that we weren’t the first to say that. In fact a woman earlier that day had said the same thing! haha

Oh, and the waiter…well he was interesting. He got down on his knees, table height, to take our order. I think it’s a new applebee’s thing or something. But it was odd. And he would get real close to talk to me.

I must have smiled too much because when he brought me the check, he also brought me a napkin rose with leaves and the flower part was dipped in something to make it red. I took it home to be nice.

Well we were sitting and talking at the table for a while, and he came up to us and asked if my friend and I were in college. We said yes, told him where. Casual convo. Asked what where we worked…and I stupidly told him Friendly’s…

He asked when I worked..and I stupidly told him… And he said he would drop by.

Now this would be awesome if say…he had been cute.

But he spoke with a difficult to understand accent, was from El Salvador, and was 24 years old.

That’s a little too old for me, but the gesture and the attention was really nice.

Guess I should start wearing that cute red dress more often! hehe

My progression of emotions throughout this breakup so far.
Day one: sad, tired, unable to talk to other people about it, just wadecd to cry, and eventually numb because I distanced myself from people and just tried not to feel.

Day two: woke up and for a moment i was happy before i realized what happened and then sadness. For most the day. Crying was common at times of severe loneliness typically while driving. Missed him, talked to him, felt like I should get over it and be friendly. Was friendly, he thought all was okay. hah, fooled him.
Day three: started to get a little better, friend called me, took me out, but then I started to remember things, find things all over my house that give me flashbacks, etc.

Day four: Getting pissed off because he decided it was what he wanted, then still managed to sleep with me one last time before ending it. Wait, really pissed off.

Day five: confused, without a purpose, lost. I just don’t know what to do with myself…..

I want to be happy. But I don’t want him to be…but that’s just a normal feeling. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do to keep myself busy.

It just hurts, but at the same time I feel nothing. Numb, but in pain. God I need to be at school to distract myself.

I have decided that if I can’t have great love, I’ll write about it.

You have to admit, it’s always better in your head anyway.

=)

It’s funny who I end up running back to for comfort when I’m feeling sad. I of course talked to all my friends, and they helped, but oddly enough I found the most contentment when talking to my Ex boyfriend Blake. From like, two years ago haha

Maybe it was the comment about the fact that I’m not cursed and that who knows, he might end up in ohio eventually. Not that I want him back, not something on my mind at all, but it feels pretty good to know that he might still have a thing for me.

Then of course he invites me to come and stay with him while his parents are away. And damn is it tempting. He lives on a beauuutiful lake and has a boat, and his house is incredible. Though I’m not sure it would be worth the 5 hour flight - oy.

At least the thought was there.
On the bright side, it does show that I can stay friends with ex boyfriends. There is still hope!

so as I mentioned before, I was in the middle of a break up with John. I was miserable, crying constantly, numb, etc. etc. all the typical breakup stuff.

I’m actually thinking about some kind of guide book to the female breakup. There seem to be a long of things that I feel like all women go through and things all women feel. I’ve been through three different kinds of break ups now, I have a decent understanding. Not fully, but give me a few years.

Anyway, back to my point. So tonight after my friend took me out to dinner, my first meal in two days, I sat online and stared at my aim. John was on and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing. I would check his facebook constantly, my facebook constantly, you know, just for any sympathy.

I just never knew if it was okay to talk to him or create some space.

We broke up because me being far away at school caused a significant strain that neither one of us could handle anymore, and also because well, the initial spark to our relationship was gone, we had really just become best friends. It was a different kind of love.

But the sex was still awesome.

Then I noticed a window pop up. It was John, he just wanted to say hi.

I stared a few minutes, not knowing what to do. Eventually I simply replied  “hi”.

We talked about things, it was stiff conversation. I was still hurt, he was worried about me, it was a hard time to talk. Eventually I started sharing how I felt, and I got upset. It went on like this for an hour.

Eventually though, something snapped. I just realized that I have half a summer left, it wasn’t worth being absolutely miserable like I was, and it was not worth losing my best friend over.

I can accept that things will be different. It’s hard, but I can accept it. I don’t want to, but I guess I’ll have to.

I love him, I really do. Maybe not in the right way right now. But things felt so right. I guess I can’t help but wonder if it just needs a few years, maybe the spark just took a vacation. Who knows, I don’t even know how that stuff works really.

For now though, I have my best friend back.

and as I write this post, I’m sharing my very tiny twin bed with both my dog and my cat since my mom is out of town. And they have taken over. I have very little space. lol I hope they don’t kick/bite/ or scratch!

So today my wireless just magically came back. I’m not sure how long it will last, so I’ll try to make up for my absence while I can!

But sadly that is the only happy thing that has happened to me today.

This morning my boy friend of a year and a half and I broke up. Details later maybe. It’s still really painful.

Unfortunately when I’m sad I don’t eat, but crying gave me a nasty headache, so I took some advil. Well apparently its bad to take them on an empty stomach. I wasn’t sure if I was sick with sadness, hungry, or really about to get sick.

Otherwise I have nothing to report.

Now I want lots of hours at work, but they wont schedule me! But now, Evil friendly’s will only schedule me 3 days a week. Most frustrating.

ummmm….yes, otherwise its been a boring summer.

Been sober for two months now though! haha, that will change when I get back to school. I can’t wait for that now. I might actually have some fascinating stories then. As for now, sorry, I’m just hella boring.

but hopefully I’m back!! here’s hoping my wireless doesn’t die again

Ack, okay, I’ve been terrible about updating. I swear its not (entirely) because I’m lazy. The problem is the wireless is down in my house, so I am essentially without internet. I can access it when I’m feeling particularly desperate but the process is irritating and I can only access it in rather uncomfortable places.

Thus, until my dad stops being lazy/busy and fixes it, I probably wont be updating often. Consider it a summer hiatus.

Don’t worry, you’re not missing anything. All I do is work, and there is nothing exciting about working at Friendly’s.

Here’s hoping for a triumphant return…soon! Till then, I loves you all! Hope you’re enjoying summer!

I have returned! After a rough finals week, and even rougher move out day, and a much needed week of re-coop, I am back. To start things off, I’ll give you the rundown.

Final grades - A, A-, A-, A-, B+, B

Not bad, Should have been one more A, but i only got an 82 on the exam in the class I had an 89.8 in and ended up with an 89.1 final grade. I was NOT pleased.

As for move out day….Well, that morning I woke up and had no idea how I got into bed. Yes, I got absolutely shit faced, went to a bar and remember nothing more. I was with two friends, but they left early because one of them had to be carried home. I was left there…black out drunk and alone….GAH! Apparently a random fellow walked me home, thank goodness, then my friend met me as soon as I got in the dorm and took me upstairs. She tells me I was acting insane. Again, Blacked out. I remember nothing.

I was up at 7am puking my guts out and couldn’t sleep. It was horrible. Though, I was just glad I woke up alone. Fucking vodka… But yeah, so I puked until probably 5pm. My other friend was in my room with me, the one who had to be carried home, and we shared a trashcan. The worst part of all of this was my father was there to pick me up and help me move out of the dorms that day. So he got to watch me puke all day long. He would take things out to the car and come back only to find me laying on the floor miserable. Not my greatest moment, and he hasn’t let me forget it.

I’ve been sober since, and have NO desire to drink for a very long time.

Well after a 9 hour drive home, I got to go shopping, get a haircut, get pretty nails, etc. Do all those fun girly things I never got to do at school. I also saw Iron Man — great movie, I highly recommend it.

I got to cuddle with my favorite! That made me happy. He’s at the beach now, I miss him already! and it’s only for a few days. Guess I got spoiled.

In other news–>

I’m getting glasses, well, sort of. I got my eyes checked out, just a usual checkup, and the doc said I have great eyes, beautiful blue and powerful! But apparently they work too hard when focusing up close which results in me zoning out while I read because my eyes get tired. So heck, insurance pays for it, so we got some for me! I’m excited because I love reading and anything that will make it easier and faster is perfect. I’ll get a picture up when I get them.

Also, my employment status. I have always worked at my TKD school where I got a black belt and all. It’s just always been how things work. But with the economy down the drain like it is, my boss doesn’t have enough spots avaliable for the returning college students! So I had to like….get a real job.

This has been unfortunate because I am really late in applying for a summer job. Luckily my school got out kinda early so I had a little jump start. I put apps in at a few restaurants and a salon, but I don’t have any serving experience, so most the really nice places would only hire me as hostess and for only a few shifts a week — not working for me.

I applied at Damons, and the guy said I had a great personality! Yay! But yeah, only hostess and very few shifts. I understood, he was really nice

But I turned an application in to Friendly’s, a little diner/ice cream place and I guess they were desperate for help because they pretty much hired me on the spot. I go for my ‘orientation’ on Tuesday. I hope that means they are pretty much hiring me. I don’t know, this is the only place that would hire me with no experience.

So now I’m going to be a server, eek! A real job! With customers who don’t respect you and taxes… I’m really nervous. I went online and printed out their menu so I could start studying it. My mom laughed at me. I think she knows what I’m in for. I don’t know how much I’ll be making yet, I hope I find out soon. It’s kinda important.

So I have a feeling I’m going to be having fun stories about shitty people to put here. what fun, what fun!

Hope everyone’s summer is starting out warm and sunny!

Finals week next week. 3 papers, lots of projects, and a bunch of stress headaches.

I just want to go home. I’ll return when there is something other than stress to talk about.